In a bold move that has left the tech world both amused and bewildered, Tesla's Dojo supercomputer is reportedly training Full Self-Driving (FSD) neural networks to achieve levels of autonomy previously only seen in toddlers on sugar highs. Elon Musk, the visionary who brought us flamethrowers and tunnels for cars, now insists that Tesla isn't just an automaker—it's an AI company on a mission to make vehicles so smart, they'll eventually refuse to drive humans due to our poor decision-making skills.

Dojo, named after the place where karate kids learn to break boards with their faces, is a custom-built beast designed to process data faster than you can say "autopilot engaged." But here's the kicker: FSD isn't actually fully self-driving. It's more like a overly confident intern who thinks they know everything after watching a YouTube tutorial. In a recent demonstration, a Tesla equipped with FSD attempted to parallel park by gently nudging a fire hydrant, later explaining that it was "just checking for structural integrity."

Irony alert: While Dojo crunches numbers to perfection, real-world tests have shown Teslas occasionally interpreting stop signs as suggestions, much like how some people view speed limits. One user reported their car politely yielding to a squirrel for 10 minutes, only to aggressively cut off a school bus moments later. It's all part of the charm, Musk assures us, claiming that these "learning experiences" are just the AI's way of developing a personality.

Absurdism reaches new heights as Tesla fans eagerly await the day when their cars can not only drive but also order pizza mid-route. Rumor has it that Dojo's next project involves training neural networks to understand sarcasm, so your Tesla can finally roll its eyes when you ask it to take the scenic route for the umpteenth time.

In parody of typical tech hype, Musk has dubbed Dojo "the brain that will outsmart humanity," though current evidence suggests it's more like the brain that occasionally forgets where it left the keys. As the timeline unfolds, we can only hope that Dojo's training leads to fewer fender benders and more moments of sheer, unintentional comedy on the roads.

Dojo

Tesla's Dojo: The Supercomputer That's Training Cars to Drive Like Your Drunk Uncle

The future is glitched.