In a stunning turn of events that has left Apple's headquarters smelling faintly of desperation and overpriced coffee, yet another AI executive has packed their bags and sprinted towards Meta's shiny metaverse. This marks the fifth such departure in as many months, leading industry experts to wonder if Apple's AI division is now being run by a particularly persuasive Roomba.

The latest defector, known only as "Yang" to protect the innocent (and his stock options), was reportedly lured away by Meta's promise of unlimited virtual reality headsets and actual functioning AI projects. Sources close to the situation say Yang's exit email simply read, "Gone to a place where Siri doesn't ask me to repeat myself three times. Good luck with that revamp!"

This mass exodus couldn't come at a worse time for Apple, which has been hyping up a groundbreaking Siri overhaul scheduled for March. Insiders joke that the revamp might now consist of Siri learning to say, "I'm sorry, I can't answer that. My developers are all at Meta's pizza party." Rumor has it that the remaining AI team is so thin, they're considering outsourcing Siri's intelligence to a particularly bright golden retriever named Sparky.

Irony Alert: Apple, the company that prides itself on "thinking different," is now thinking, "Where did everyone go?" as its AI brain trust defects to a company building a digital world no one asked for.
Exaggeration Station: If this trend continues, Apple's AI unit will be staffed entirely by interns who still think "machine learning" refers to studying for their driver's test.
Absurdism Avenue: In a last-ditch effort to retain talent, Apple is reportedly offering perks like free AirPods and exclusive access to the emoji kitchen, while Meta counters with actual groundbreaking research and the chance to not work on Siri.

The fallout is palpable. At a recent all-hands meeting, Apple CEO Tim Cook was overheard muttering, "Why can't we just make Siri sassier? That's AI, right?" Meanwhile, over at Meta, Mark Zuckerberg is allegedly hosting a weekly "Welcome to the Metaverse" mixer where new hires get virtual high-fives and real-world imposter syndrome.

As the tech world watches this saga unfold, one thing is clear: Apple's AI ambitions are in jeopardy, and the only thing getting smarter is the exit door. Will Siri's big revamp be a game-changer or just a glorified software update that makes her better at telling dad jokes? Only time—and the remaining overworked engineers—will tell.

Ke Yang

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The future is glitched.