AI Genius Andrew Tulloch Ditches Thinking Machines for Meta, Citing Better Snacks and Fewer Existential Crises

In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through Silicon Valley, Andrew Tulloch, co-founder of the enigmatic Thinking Machines Lab, has announced his departure to join Meta. Sources close to the matter report that Tulloch broke the news via a company-wide message on Friday, which was allegedly written in binary code and required employees to solve a CAPTCHA just to read it. "It was the ultimate test of our AI prowess," said one bewildered engineer. "We failed miserably and had to ask Siri for help."

Rumors suggest that Tulloch's decision was influenced by Meta's legendary snack bar, which boasts artisanal kale chips and kombucha on tap. "At Thinking Machines, we were lucky to get stale crackers," Tulloch allegedly quipped in his farewell note. "At Meta, I can fuel my brain with organic, gluten-free innovations. It's a no-brainer, really."

Industry insiders are calling this move the "Great AI Brain Drain of 2023," with some speculating that Tulloch was tired of building machines that ponder the meaning of life. "He wanted to work on something more tangible, like making virtual reality avatars have better haircuts," said a sarcastic analyst. "It's a step up from asking if a robot can dream of electric sheep."

In response, Thinking Machines Lab issued a statement written entirely by their latest AI model, which rambled on about consciousness and then accidentally ordered 10,000 paperclips. "We wish Andrew the best," the statement read, before devolving into a recipe for banana bread. Meanwhile, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly thrilled, posting a celebratory selfie in the metaverse with the caption, "Welcome to the team! Now let's make AI that can finally beat my high score in Candy Crush."

As for Tulloch, he's already settled into his new role, where his first task is to develop an AI that can detect sarcasm in social media posts. "Good luck with that," said a colleague, rolling their eyes so hard they nearly saw the back of their own skull. "If he succeeds, we're all doomed."